iN ALL SERIOUSNESS, I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE A TRIGGER WARNING FOR EATING DISORDERS, DEPRESSION, SELF HARM, AND SUICIDE TALK.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!
august 3rd, 2022, 4:52 pm | feeling neutral
i have nothingn else to say but look at my fall oyut boy cd collection. that is all. bye. :)
august 1st 2022, 11 something pm | feeling suicidal
had volleybakl tryouts today. 7 hkrus. lookung forward to itj sinc4 i didnt mske tue trmam last year. peopel po8nting out my dcars made me dsd . i hav e to wear spansdex so i coudknt hide rhem and i felt rrlaky bad becausd i didnt wannt tontrigger abnyonr but mothing i could do. 7 hirus later told i didbt make thr temqm. cry. go to gymm to pici up my stuff and someibe spilt waterbon mt bag and my sweager, mom is gere so i ruh to the car. shhw sees my svacrs thoyght ivr beem clran sinc e may. were form last nighr so were very evidnent and id been our ibbthe sun so verg red and ixhy. she shtartsv crying sayibt shes failed me andb that i need to movoe back sith her and be 24/<7 surveolince and even saidu if i dkbt get my act togegger homeschool sk shge can know im nit cuting because shevknowd i dknt plaj ib stopoint. get home she tells my bdad. sad.hes not mad but im ptressed out. sistee boyght me a fallcout boy cd favoritue band very hapoy and grstefyk we hang our and watch breakibg bad but then my dsd tells us thag cps lady comubg over for checkup and i wansr sure f my dad told her abitut my cuts THANK GOD THHSE DIDNTB didnt go in my room or anyhtjjgng medicinrs locjed up in a cqbabinit in a safe ckeared. shes gkubg to set me up with a tjerapiet. i m bad treling.fele ibsans. bid y going rhrough suoernaturual. decayibg faster thb everyone kese never die STRESS no escacpe. j dobt feel like tlaking abymoee. mayb e ill jsut listen to msuic
july 23rd 2022, 7:00 pm | feeling nothing
i've been havving terrible cravinngs recently. its hard to handle. i ate too muchbn yhesterday and i coudlntb purge it all. deifinitely ate ~1500cals. i tiriefd to do better today butt he utges are really getting to me. ate mayybe ~650 omad after ia 19hr fast and im callgibg it a day. i hathe my eatingn disorder. i hate the way it controels me. asidide from that a lot has been happenign. saw my new psychiatristi once and never again. havhent seen a therapist or psych eeven though the doctors really pushehd it after i got out tof the hospital may i remind you i tried and almost succeedfed to kill myself. i would really like thehrapy. anyways my sister got ibn a huge fighth with my dad over this topic and she said to me taht him and nmy mom arte just waiting for me or her to attempt o r get caugtht or need another hospital viist and they dont care until our proeblems are sset neatly on a tabel right in fronty of them. i agree. anynways after this fight we stayed at my noims for a few fays but we came back becabuse its just not coinvinnient putting 2 extra people lving in a 2 bedroom apartnment when 3 pepole already live there. my dad is pretebdging that nothing happened of couruge.ive been doingg nothing all day i have nothign to look forwored to i feel like a robot. im nto real anyways. i feel like i have nothing all the time,. i woudlnt tell him this but dave s been gigivng me raelly bad panic attacks ehcbuase of his tone over text andn the way he never has time to talk IVEN THHOUGH ITS NOT HIS FAULT IM JUST A JERJSK AND MY BRAIN IS TELLINGN ME HE DOESNT LOVE YOU HE DOESNT LOVE YUOU!!!!!! andn i cant tell him that this is happenign because he doersn JNOT need to get involved in my internal isues. life is streassful and only because of the probeblkems my own brain is giving tme. SUCKS! 0on a positive note i gujess. i picked up guitare again. mayhbe ill make a music sharing page. i dont have a soudndcloud or anyhting because i scrap my work when im done but maybe ill compile some ill telk you if i end up doijng that. it keeps me occupied. ive also been playign a lot of dead by daylight. still suck. a ltitle under 100 hours on it still so yeagh. ive been maining survivor bc killer gets boringto me. its a boring abnd repetitiive game. thaths all. i dont want to type anykmore my hands have been cramping up badlfly recentlyy. bye.
june 4 2022, 9:29 pm | feeling shitty
since im updatingn my websbtie i might as wlel update this too.. lots has happened. also befoire i start i am soo sorry about my tpying quirK??? whatever it is it looks like im cryutyping but my handns have been spasming and shakjkibng and i just dont have the energy to corerct myself so yeah thats whath thats about. a few days after my last eneyty i attempted suicide via overdosuing. i had a prewritten suicide note in my drawer and when my sister and dad discovered me the morning after they dfound that and then called an ambulance on me DONT REMEMBER OANY OF IT BTW and i woke uip in the er. spoiler alert the hospital is aboslute ASS dont recomemnd. had an iv in for about 2 days, did novthing but sit there and zone out. AT LEAST i got to wathch south park on the tv they evcen played my favoitte epidsdeoe:) i stayed for abtb 3 daytys and was sent to a new facility SABH and my mom bless her soul got me outu of theere and i got to go home ALL MY BLADES TAKEN AWAY FULL SURVIELIENCE NO L<ONGER AL:LOWED TO TAKE MY MEDS ON MY OWN AND THEYERE LOCKED UP PLUS GOT CPS CCALLELD ON ME BECAUSE OF THE AMA ORDER. eithher way dontn care oredered new blafdes still cutting myself MY DUMBASS CUT ON MY ARM TODATY AND MY SISTER SAW IT AND IS WATHCING ME LIKJE A HAWK AGAIGN at lwast im not in the hospital anymore but being signend up for all of these outpaitient things and iff i twell them the trurth im GOING TO GET SENT VBACK so better keep my mouyth shut. jahvent been getting enough blood rencently. collect it on a singular tissue and try to nick sokme out of my body when i can but i thinks thats why ive been so sick rfecently, ghalf my ed and half my lack of blood consumptsion has me feelung anemic i think im anemic blagrhjhghh and im not even starvingn myself as much bc of itive been omading and i try to intermetinent fast 20-2-20-2-20-2-20-2ect btu that 20hr mark can barelyl be pisuhed because i get so weak it sucksk. anywaysy thats an update on whatervvbrs going through my mind. i have a tgore hyperfixaiton and thats startingbn to mess me up. sucks. anyways bye im broed LOL-mykei
may 13 2022, 10:19 am | feeling erratic
it's almost been a full month since my first entry. didn't take me that long to forget about my website... anyways i've been disassociating hard recently; on sunday night i was having a random spurt of suicidal-ness and i overdosed on my antipsychotics, and next thing i knew i was in a wheelchair being taken to the nurses office at school the next morning. i don't remember it at all, i was completely out of it. next thing i remember i was lying down in my bed at 5:00pm unsure if that was a dream or not. i was still all blegh and stuff (STILL AM, JUST REALLY ERRATIC) and i remember my dad came in to check on me and asked me if my mom had given me drugs which is SO out of pocket?? it made me really mad obviously anyways i don't feel like talking about this anymore i have a sinking feeling in my stomach been contimplating suicide all fucking week even though I DON'T WANT TO DIE! but the urge is so strong my self control is so bad and i'm scared i'm going to black out again and try and do something stupid. and i can't tell anyone this because i'd be ging straight back to the stupid hospital and even if i had to i couldn't because they said they would call child protective services on my dad and take me away GAH EVERYTHING IS SXTRESSEFFUKLLL AND MY DAD WONT GET ME HELP AFTER I GOT ON HIS INSURANCE I LOST MY PSYCHIATRIST AND MY THERAPIST THE ONLY DOCTORS I EVER TRUSTED ALL GONE!! i just want help. but last time i reached out NoOoOOo FUCKING LAUREL RIDGE TIME!!! IM SO TIRED. IM SO SOSO TIRED OF BEING TRAPPED IN MY STUPID BODY I WANT TO STAB STAB STAB IM SO IRRITATED. im begging for a release i just want to sleep. i want o sleep for a long time and i want someone to listen to me and i want to feel happy i want to get rid of the stupid voices in my head i want to act NORMAL! I WISH THINGS CAN BE NORMAL!! I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH!! i just want a break. i might go to sleep. i just got off call with dave and i tolkjd him thta i wld try and sleop. i hope he doesnt read this if youre raeding this please stop bec im gogni to say something rlly triggering and i dont want yo u to hurt please dont read this i love yiou so much. but if it wasnt for him i would be deadf ive attempted so amny times in thne past oujt of impulse but when i haweake up in the morning to a tedxt freom him a stupid tag in a videio that remind ed him of me anything everything frm him give s me a reasoin to live he is my purpsoe in life i dont know if i beluieve in soulmates ive been reading what dreams may come by richarhd matheson ive never been a afterlife person but i really wwant to believe in something and i like the concept of suimmerland and soulmatrss and the afterlife and i want tobelieve in that so i takje it back i do believe in soulmates HE IS MY SOULMATE. andn he si my reason for livingn i can t die for hom. and oh god the aftermath,. ive reagressed back to my early days on the internet and im back to watcfhing extreme gore videos in my freetime. rtjeres this one suicide livestream video; of a man named ronnei mcnutt, ghe was a 30-ish year old vet and had been tyhrough a lot. and one dfay he awas livestreaming after a long day, whihgch he did a lot, but in this one he had a gun in his hands. on this fday he had lost both his job and his girlfriend, she had broken up wiht him. he felt hoepless. andn he was being bombarded with calls from his friends adn his family, the cops hewre iven called to his house. and while he was sititng there, he suddenly put down the hpeone and uttered the wsords "hey guys, iu guess that's it" and with absolutely zero hesitation he put the gun to his chin andbn within a basecond his face was blwon clean off, blood evberywhere. itw as over for him. for him at least, but ahten you end yourself the burfdeen you carried on yourself all of your sadness and guilt doesnt hust vanish, lkife goes on andn that sadness si transferired to everyone you knew. erveb someohne you barely know. i alway s want to kill nmyself. if i had acccess to a gun id be gone yeras ago. its peobably the definitive wayh to go if you want isntabnt paintless deaht. that or jumpibng off a tall building. ive condsieered it beecause the laste monmets are to freeing peraceful youjre fllyignt down to youjr death and tyou can just closej youjre eyes and haveh youre final etyhought but still. the aftermath. yopu land next yo someone instant trauma. have you guys seen that one video of a lady with a storiller and her baby, a suidiujde jumper falls ont the strtoeller and iklls the abnbby. suicide leafvees an impavt. life never ends. its eternal and when youj diere whaterver is after whetherh its purgartoiyr blackness etereanal suffereinhg sumenerland WHATEVER IT IWS life itsle f wil go onm the undiverse willk alkways exsit and evne when it everntually kills itslef it will alwaay rebuikld time is eternmaerkl nown is froever nothing. evwer. ends. your pain. it everfer goes away. deahth is sternge. it ascars me. i dfont want to die.; i dont know rthwat i want. i thingk i k,might go to bedf, i cant do t his right niow. dont feel reral. existenticlal bad thing i hnater thingking about whawt is happenign im too waware ogf myself i feel il,iek out of bniody i hate i htae HATEHAETTHEHTHAET HTAEhAETHAETHATEHATE
april 19 2022. 9:20 am | feeling strange
well, i'm out of the mental hospital. that place really messed me up. if you've been to one you know what i mean. it's so... dehumanizing. depressing. every night you lay down and just think, "maybe i should've just done it". you know what i have an idea. have you ever seen the SAW movies? i've seen up to four, and i really like them, specifically because of kramer's thought of making people who are ungrateful for life have a reason. it kind of feels like that. it's like a punch in the face for being suicidal. you wake up, pots and pans bashing from the tech and you get up, 2 hours of sleep because your roomates happen to be the loudest snorers ever, all groggy, fill out your stupid goals sheet and smiling to yourself as you circle a big red NO in crayon when it asks you if you've been thinking of killing youself. meal time; i never really ate. it angered me that i couldn't purge, and everything was all gross and soggy anyways so what was the point. i did have to eat little bites so they didn't recognise it. you go to group therapy, loud annoying peers of yours talking over you as you try to describe your fear for the future, and having them all stare at you when the therapist asked me what i like to do in my free time and i just freeze in fear of repercussion. after therapy, sit in the big brown plastic chair, zone out and take a nap, people-watch, this is a punishment. so in conclusion, I HATE THE MENTAL HOSPITAL. it SUCKS. it's STUPID. but i'm out. and as soon as i got out all i wanted was to hang out with my family. i got my favorite food, a fear food of mine because of the calories, but one of my favorites nontheless. there's this ramen shop by my house that has really good broth and i love it so much. i only go there a few times a year now because of how filling it is. off the topic of food, it grosses me out. i continued my journey of catching up on the MCU with my sibling. we watched captain marvel, which i believe gets so much unnecessary hate. i thought it was super cool. i love nick fury so much he's soo cool (and also, uh, good looking) and i don't think it was pandering at all to "girl-power" feminism. but, i guess it's not my place to speak since i don't identify as female. i went to my mom's apartment to go pick up one of my ps5 games i left, and we ended up staying there for a bit. my mom was in a good mood, which is always nice. i'm not going to trash talk my mom or anything but sometimes i can't stand her. it's mostly a me , and i feel really fucking guilty about it. anyways, we made plans today. we're going to watch endgame today (yes, i haven't seen endgame in 2022. i'm so late) and i'm SUPER excited because aaaaghhh i already kind of know what happens since i've seen far from home and no way home (i'm spidey obsessed by the way. spider-man is the only reason i decided to get into the MCU and marvel in general) BUT i'm still so excited.. also, while i was at the hospital some of my new dolls came in the mail. i don't know anything about their origins. they were only 5 dollars on eBay which is always funnn. as i may have mentioned before i love antique porcilen (porceien? porcelin. whatever. funny glass) dolls and clown figures. and these twins are so cute and i love them SO SOSO much!!! they make me so happy. a friend helped me decide on a name. so, they are now called mazie and maggie! i'm way too obsessed with them oh my goooddddd!! i think i'll stop writing for now, because i'm still really out of it. maybe i'll make another entry today. also, i should mention, if you haven't noticed, this is my first diary entry. hopefully i don't forget about this. well, goodbye for now! and i'll just sign off with... -mykie
